It has been 5 days since the election. The pain of it still sears me inside. At first, I just wanted to be alone. To curl up in a ball and hope for death or coma or.......I don't know what. I didn't read much of what was posted on facebook. I didn't read the news pages. I didn't listen to talk radio. I cried a lot. Well, good news! I just googled the 5 stages of loss and grief and, it would appear that I am right on track because, today, I have started to feel really, REALLY mad. I just want to yell and scream and hurt people. (Probably a good thing there's no school tomorrow!)
A couple of days before the election, my home teacher sent me a message on facebook, chastizing me for being "inappropriate" in my comments about President Obama. He recommended I go to a facebook page that he frequents called "Mormons for Obama" or something like that. He said it was full of "Civil" people, like himself, and that my hatred of Obama was just "Not Christlike." We messaged back and forth for two days. At first, I tried to just be polite and kind of joke it off. But he would not leave it alone. I was curious, so I did go to the facebook page he'd mentioned. The people there were no more civil than any on any other facebook page. I finally had enough of his comments and wrote him back and said, "I reject your assessment of me." We exchanged some more messages. I was ready to just drop the whole thing and ignore him. Then, the election results came in. I replaced my profile picture with one of a woman, all in black, sobbing. I wrote that I was without hope. A few minutes later, my home teacher had clicked "LIKE" under that post. I totally lost it. What, exactly, was it that he liked? The fact that I was without hope? The fact that I was sobbing? The fact that he was right in saying Obama was going to win? It just hurt me so much!
Thursday, I saw my friend Sonja. I had not told anyone here about the situation with my home teacher, but I told her. Sonja told her husband who told the Stake President who told my Bishop. I have no idea what is going to happen now. I did not want to go to church today because I knew my home teacher would probably want to talk to me, if only to gloat. I want nothing to do with him, at this point. But I did not stay home because I knew that would be what Satan wants. At church today, I made no attempt to approach him and he made no attempt to approach me. I did get some dirty looks from his wife and from another sister in the ward who is also a total liberal. As I said, although I have been feeling very sad and hurt for days, today I started just feeling total RAGE at these idiots who voted for Obama and who think that they can judge me. I am ready to un-friend every person on facebook who is liberal or who thinks I should just "Cheer up."
I am worried about the future. Will Roger and I be able to retire? If we can retire, can we leave here? Will we be able to sell our houses if the country is in the middle of a depression? What if one or both of us loses our jobs? What if one or both of us has health problems? Will we get the care we need or will we be deemed too old or too sickly to be worth saving? We are both so grateful that we do not have children -- that would compound our worries. What about Iran and the nuclear arms it is developing? What about Israel?
I am in the process of making a card for the Romneys. I want to thank them for trying to help save our country. In my opinion, the country doesn't deserve the Romneys. Clearly, there is too much evil in this nation for Heavenly Father to continue to bless it and keep it a land of promise. Clearly, the majority of the people here would rather serve Satan. Maybe the Romneys will never even see the card, but I feel like I have to send it. They must be hurting too. They deserve to know that people care and that not everyone is debating all of the 'mistakes' Mitt Romney made in his campaign or how he lost the election. AFTER the fact, everybody thinks they could have done better. Idiots!
If Kubler-Ross is to be believed, I will eventually come to accept this situation. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Right now, acceptance feels like I would be giving up and conceding to the liberals. I can never do that. But I do hope that the pain and the anger will soon go away.
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